Stop "Should-ing" On Yourself: The Surprising Word Holding Back Your Recovery
6th installation of your go-to guide to navigating burnout & burnout recovery.
“When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we get to write the ending. Stop telling yourself what you should do and start asking what you want to do.” – Brené Brown, PhD
Pause for a moment and think to yourself: How often does the word “should” show up in your daily self-talk?
For me personally, it’s been a recurring word in my daily routine. To the point where I’ve had several therapy sessions just devoted to tackling the word “should.”
Today’s entry will be a shorter reflection but focused on one small word that carries a lot of weight: “Should.”
It sounds innocent enough… Responsible? Motivating?
“I should get up earlier.”
“I should be over this by now.”
“I should be doing more.”
“I should feel grateful.”
“I should have it figured out already.”
But underneath that polished surface? "Should" is shame in disguise.
Now, I won’t bore you with another post about shame.
If you want to check out my last full post about shame, you can read my article about Tackling the Trifecta of Burnout: Guilt, Shame, & Resentment.
Now, let’s dive into how the word “should” influences us, reveal the not-so-secret secret antidote, and outline 3 actionable steps to help you reframe your thinking.
Could’ve, Would’ve, Should’ve
Here’s the thing: "Should" Doesn’t Motivate. It quietly manipulates.
Over the years, I’ve slowly realized that “should” doesn’t guide you toward growth. It guilt-trips you into performance. It assumes there’s one correct timeline, one right way to heal, one path you must follow to earn your rest, your worth, your peace.
“Should” keeps your nervous system stuck in hyperdrive, always questioning:
Am I doing enough? Am I falling behind? Am I too much? Not enough?
It doesn’t build trust with yourself. It slowly erodes it.
When you’re recovering from burnout, grief, trauma, or a tough season of life, you’re already feeling vulnerable and the word should slowly manipulates you into feeling worthless.
As humans, we’re hardwired for safety and survival, and “should” pushes you into overdrive. It pushes us to do more, be more, achieve more, even if we’re already feeling overwhelmed.
And the worst part? It creates a loop where no matter what you do, it’s never quite enough.
As a result, it keeps you stuck in a place where progress feels impossible and self-acceptance feels out of reach. But the good news is that once you recognize your wort his not tied to what you should be doing, you can start to make choices that truly support your well-being.
The Antidote to “Should”?
It’s sounds simple, but what if you replaced “should” with curiosity and compassion Instead of pushing yourself to constantly meet unrealistic expectations, imagine pausing to ask what you really need in that moment.
Instead of “I should be productive,” try “What do I need today?”
Instead of “I should have moved on,” try “Where am I still hurting?”
Instead of “I should feel better by now,” try “What might make me feel safe right now?”
This tiny shift softens our inner critic and helps us listen to what we truly need, rather than what we think we should do.
Reframing our self-talk creates space for positive healing and growth. It allows you to set boundaries that protect your well-being. And most importantly, it allows you to heal and recover on your own terms.
You’re Allowed to Take a Different Path
Surprise…. Healing isn’t a race, and there’s no one right way to do it.
You don’t need a gold star for following someone else’s timeline, and I know it can feel repetitive to hear this, but you’re not lazy. You’re not behind. You’re not broken.
It’s okay to take time to unlearn the idea that working harder or being more productive makes you more worthy.
At the end of the day, you know what’s best for your mind and your body. Don’t let “should” dictate how your healing unfolds.
Your Call to Action
As one final reminder, you don’t have to do anything just because you “should.”
You get to choose what feels right for you. No one else gets to make that decision.
If you curious how to actually implement a framework to reframe this self talk, here are 3 simple steps you can do to take back control:
Pause and notice when “should” pops into your thoughts.
Replace each “should” statement with a question that invites curiosity, compassion, or kindness.
Choose one action this week that feels good for you - not one that feels expected.
Although reframing your thoughts might seem small, it can make a big difference in how you feel and ultimately how you heal.
El Fin
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this entry.
My hope is that in reading this, something resonated. Maybe it gave you a bit of clarity or maybe it reminded you that you’re not the only one feeling this way.
If you know someone who’s struggling with burnout, please consider sharing this newsletter with them. My goal is to build a community where we can openly share honest thoughts, reflections, and practical tools to support each other.
Stay tuned for next week, where I’ll share more guidance and actionable steps to help you beat burnout.
Progress > Perfection. Always.